The Legend of Cap’n Jack and his Tiki Bar:
The potentially almost, kinda-sorta true story of a legend in his own mind
Cap’n Jack was born at sea on board a garbage scow captained by his father, Cap’n Dick. His tyrannical father, when not administrating the daily beatings that became an important future part of Cap’n Jack’s own crew management skills, tried his best to instill job skills that would allow his son to escape the uncertainties of life at sea and instead secure a cushy desk job where he could become a washed-up, sold-out, ineffectual middle management suck-up who would slowly rot away in an unmarked cubicle within a monolithic and possibly evil corporation.
Discovering he had no useful abilities suitable for the modern workplace, Cap’n Jack became a salesman. As he honed his sales skills, he ultimately triumphed and broke through the four-figure income barrier, using the newfound money to buy his first yacht, “Rainpiddle.” Teaching himself the ways of the sea, he eventually made it from one side of the pool to the other without tipping over. Encouraged, he bought a larger yacht, “Rainslurp.” With dreams of warm breezes, distant shores, golden skinned maidens, and fruity exotic drinks served in outrageously tacky glasses, he launched his sailboat into the waters of the Puget Sound. The unexpected taste of freezing cold salt water on his lips, unfortunately experienced to him due to the sinking of his boat during a miscalculation of his nautical chart (“so which color represents the land and which color represents the water?”), helped Cap’n Jack set his sights on warmer climes with sweeter drinks.
Searching for experience that would enhance his seamanship, he applied for the position of President of the U.S. Navy. Denied the position by a conspiracy of unbelievable size, he instead applied to the International School of Boat Stuff, got his Junior Assistant Boat Floater Certificate, and set sail for the Seven Seas. Well, really, just a couple of the Seas, because some of them are a really, really long way away.
As Cap’n Jack took his new boat, “Raindance” (“Finally, a decent name,” quoted his mother), to exotic islands, he discovered the concept of cocktail hour, drinks of rum, and unusual glasses to put the drinks in. Driven by this epiphany, he once again went back to school, this time to the famed Wayward Bartender’s Learnstitute of Knowledgery.
After hacking his way into the school’s computer system and giving himself a full scholarship and passing grades, Cap’n Jack again set sail to discover the best drinks from around the world so that he could bring them back to his friends. As his experiences grew, he had another epiphany: “Why make a single when you can make a triple?” This discovery resulted in the grand opening of Cap’n Jack’s Tiki Bar with its dangerously strong cocktails. True, it is just a virtual ether-bar, but it is just as real as Cap’n Jack’s stories!
Cap’n Jack recently bought a new boat – a Passport 40, capable of crossing any ocean. Named after a book by one of his favorite authors and philosophers, Henry David Thoreau, “Walden” is as fine a yacht as Cap’n Jack has ever sailed. However, with alimony payments for The Ex and college payments for Swabbie Grayson, that round-the-world voyage is a ways off. But Cap’n Jack can dream, can’t he? In the meantime, there’s local waters to explore, stars to gaze at, dolphins to ride Walden’s bow wave, and tropical drinks to share with friends and family. Surely the best of times, no?